July 3 2020

I tried to care about polishing silverware, typing 100 words per minute, getting my foot in the door at a good company, making a good impression…but I just couldn’t. Since the beginning of my existence I had been blessed and cursed with the gift of sight. I am able to see much deeper than the surface, beneath the everyday functioning mechanisms of society and shallow facades and faces painted on by many of us to get through the day masking our true thoughts and feelings. Being able to see, I knew that it didn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things – whether people liked you or not, whether you made it in with a good company, and it drove me mad…how nobody seemed to wonder what it was exactly we were doing here. It was as if they really thought we were just here to work, eat, sleep, have a family, and die. My conclusion then, was that they didn’t think. They didn’t question their existence, they simply existed. Though I wondered, was such a thing possible? I often felt like a separate species from humans, like I was an outsider looking in, observing them, studying them. How they chose to be and eat and live, treat each other. Like I was overseeing something, a project perhaps. Sometimes I even referred to them as my case studies, though not often publicly as to not freak people out.

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