Chaos manifests itself in the strangest ways A trickster with a lesson if one listens intently One makes its presence known by explanation The voice of knowing is still and silent Convincing and proving are the voices of wicked ends One needs not listen to rationalizations They parade in many voices Changing costume and clothing The quiet one knows the way Sitting with ones self makes room For the one to appear
Finding the commonalities between us seemed to work best. We spent so much time in this life observing and speaking upon differences. That in itself was not problematic, differences are indeed to be celebrated as each serves a unique purpose. When differences were used to fuel division, this is when the problems began to arise. I wished we were able to conceptualize this as a society and see beyond – so many of the issues plaguing us were truly more psychological and emotional ones collectively.
The collective psyche had been ill for quite some time which philosophers, poets, mystics and artists had remarked upon for ages, though as society grew more and more ill it lost appreciation for these much needed roles. Philosophy and self reflection were seen as laughable or impossible pursuits. Critical thinking was relegated to the realm of science where someone else did it for you. Art and mysticism were no longer valued but thought of as pursuits for fools. Femininity was sexualized or seen as weakness. Uniqueness was squashed through indoctrination, guilt, shame, and manipulation. Opposing viewpoints to the status quo or most commonly accepted social narrative were bullied while individuals suffered personal attack.
Gone were the intellectual ages where people gathered to discuss different ideas. The collective psyche was far too fragile for that. Instead we resorted to surrounding ourselves only with those that thought and felt like us. This way, we could be in an echo chamber of our own bias. Comfortable, secure, ignorant, delusional.
Simultaneously we wondered why mental illness and suicide rates were rising. Why racism wasn’t being eradicated. Why seemingly archaic traditions beliefs and behaviors were alive and well. Yet – we avoided most ways to challenge and affect these narratives. Instead opting to blame, shame, pick sides, and continue avoiding personal responsibility for the world we were a part of, and our effect on the collective society.
I often wondered, how many others ever thought of their effect on the world?
Time stretched out like chewing gum or galloped forward within a blink. Crumpled post it notes littered the floor around me as I oscillated between moments of genius and depletion of mental energy. I found the humidity unbearable and had begun pacing as a new method of distraction from the air conditioner that was trying its best, but just wasn’t good enough. How relatable.
As I grew older I found myself surprising myself more often. What I used to care about ceased to have the same emotional pull. I found my focus and vision shifting. Discipline and patience were easier to cultivate. I was pleased by these changes, enjoying the seasoning of life’s wisdom. Looking back and reflecting upon my journey and my decisions, I laughed warmly at repeated patterns, grateful for all they taught me. I put more time and attention into honing my craft. I desired and appreciated my solitude. A small close circle of friends were more enjoyable than constantly trying to keep up with the masses in the ever busy blurry world. A deep sense of inner peace was growing and filling the void inside me that once inspired restlessness.
You choose a path and keep walking along it while it feels right and makes sense. Once one of these two aspects is no longer present, that’s where you switch paths and choose a new direction. That’s where you get stuck, choosing another way
I tried to care about polishing silverware, typing 100 words per minute, getting my foot in the door at a good company, making a good impression…but I just couldn’t. Since the beginning of my existence I had been blessed and cursed with the gift of sight. I am able to see much deeper than the surface, beneath the everyday functioning mechanisms of society and shallow facades and faces painted on by many of us to get through the day masking our true thoughts and feelings. Being able to see, I knew that it didn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things – whether people liked you or not, whether you made it in with a good company, and it drove me mad…how nobody seemed to wonder what it was exactly we were doing here. It was as if they really thought we were just here to work, eat, sleep, have a family, and die. My conclusion then, was that they didn’t think. They didn’t question their existence, they simply existed. Though I wondered, was such a thing possible? I often felt like a separate species from humans, like I was an outsider looking in, observing them, studying them. How they chose to be and eat and live, treat each other. Like I was overseeing something, a project perhaps. Sometimes I even referred to them as my case studies, though not often publicly as to not freak people out.
Hollow lights ring clear in this moment I find the seer near within the surrounding resounding voice those that are blessed remember this choice in order to remain – abstain from the same repetition of the suffering condition more than mere superstition this plotted rendition Cognition inhibition causing conniption let me remember the way and fight for this day It is us that will pay so we must have our say