July 7 2020

Time stretched out like chewing gum or galloped forward within a blink. Crumpled post it notes littered the floor around me as I oscillated between moments of genius and depletion of mental energy. I found the humidity unbearable and had begun pacing as a new method of distraction from the air conditioner that was trying its best, but just wasn’t good enough. How relatable.

July 5 2020

As I grew older I found myself surprising myself more often. What I used to care about ceased to have the same emotional pull. I found my focus and vision shifting. Discipline and patience were easier to cultivate. I was pleased by these changes, enjoying the seasoning of life’s wisdom. Looking back and reflecting upon my journey and my decisions, I laughed warmly at repeated patterns, grateful for all they taught me. I put more time and attention into honing my craft. I desired and appreciated my solitude. A small close circle of friends were more enjoyable than constantly trying to keep up with the masses in the ever busy blurry world. A deep sense of inner peace was growing and filling the void inside me that once inspired restlessness.

July 3 2020

I tried to care about polishing silverware, typing 100 words per minute, getting my foot in the door at a good company, making a good impression…but I just couldn’t. Since the beginning of my existence I had been blessed and cursed with the gift of sight. I am able to see much deeper than the surface, beneath the everyday functioning mechanisms of society and shallow facades and faces painted on by many of us to get through the day masking our true thoughts and feelings. Being able to see, I knew that it didn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things – whether people liked you or not, whether you made it in with a good company, and it drove me mad…how nobody seemed to wonder what it was exactly we were doing here. It was as if they really thought we were just here to work, eat, sleep, have a family, and die. My conclusion then, was that they didn’t think. They didn’t question their existence, they simply existed. Though I wondered, was such a thing possible? I often felt like a separate species from humans, like I was an outsider looking in, observing them, studying them. How they chose to be and eat and live, treat each other. Like I was overseeing something, a project perhaps. Sometimes I even referred to them as my case studies, though not often publicly as to not freak people out.

July 2 2020

Hollow lights ring clear
in this moment I find the seer
near within the surrounding
resounding voice
those that are blessed remember this choice
in order to remain – abstain from the same
repetition of the suffering condition
more than mere superstition this plotted rendition
Cognition inhibition causing conniption
let me remember the way and fight for this day
It is us that will pay so we must have our say